The Health and Safety officer at my patient's workplace had asked him to get a fitness for work note.

I was happy to help but the patient's knee injury was still causing some pain and there were stairs to be negotiated.

'Perhaps you could use the lift to get to your desk on the upper floor?' I asked.

Unfortunately this was not an option as there wasn't one.

'OK, then, what exactly does your job entail?'

'I work for a lift manufacturer' he said wryly.

Dr Jonathon Church, Basingstoke, Hampshire

Fizzy pop detector
I was working for the out-of-hours service when I noticed the triage notes for my next patient were written as follows: Mr X, recent prostate surgery, has a catheter. Passing blood in the urine. Dipstix-protein++, nitrates++ and lucozades++.

I wondered how a urine dipstix could pick up the presence of lucozade, only to realise it should have read leucocytes++.

Dr Jagadish J Boyapati. Stoke on Trent, Stoke

Mood dictation
Voice dictation software not only learns as it goes along, allowing you to correct its mistakes, but it also seems able to tell how you feel.

Following a visit to a hypertensive elderly patient I was trying to add the following sentence to her notes: 'I have added amlodipine 5mg tablets.'

However, my computer printed: 'I have had it bloody pain 5mg tablets.'

Dr Phil Crosby, Workington, Cumbria

Mistaken identity
I recently visited an elderly patient as she had phoned to say she needed a scrip.

Upon arrival her 41-year old disabled daughter was keen to talk to me. She explained that she would not need the electric bed I had ordered, to which I replied baffled: 'Did I?'

Nor would she need the alarm for the front door.

'Did I order that too?' I replied getting rather confused.

I explained my visit was about her mother's scrip. She went bright red and said: 'I am sorry, I thought you were my occupational therapist.'

Dr Sara Herriott, Bideford, Devon

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