While summarising a new patient's medical record, I came across an entry made by the previous surgery. It read: 'Patient enquiry about Med 3, advised to self satisfy for one week.'

Needless to say, when I shared this gem with the rest of the team, we all had a smile on our faces for the rest of the day.
Lynn Brown, practice nurse Glasgow

Once a fortnight at 84
In keeping with my sensitive, honest patient-centred approach, I asked my 84-year-old patient with vaginal soreness: 'Are you still sexually active?'

'Oh no doctor, I only do it about twice a month now,' she replied.

Raucous laughter ensued as much to my surprise and hers. I said: 'Well you're doing better than I am dear.'
Anonymous, Hampshire

Spooky sickness
In the out-of-hours clinic I was trawling through the calls awaiting triage to see what was likely to come my way.

The first caller I noted had abdominal pain and rather aptly, as it was Halloween, a past history of Crone's disease.

The next had been vomiting, not helped, it appeared, by antisemitic tablets. It was going to be an interesting session.
Dr Anna Olliff-Cooper, Winchester

Tired protest
Recently I referred a patient for investigation of tiredness as well as several other symptoms.

On checking the referral letter I noticed my secretary had written: 'She does seem to be fairly Protestant dramatic.'

On the tape I had actually said polysymptomatic.
Dr Grevile Newson Smith, Bray, Berkshire

Hagrid calls time
I had looked after a keen sportsman for many years with all his numerous hockey injuries. He recently mentioned he was stopping playing.

'I feel like the care of magical creatures' teacher in Harry Potter,' he said, 'who retired to spend more time with his remaining limbs.'
Dr Jeremy Phipps, Lincolnshire

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